and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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