You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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