We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
