I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
