when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
