I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think a kid would responsible me up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
