remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
