Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
