Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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