what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
