i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize