My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
