i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
