Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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