In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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