Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
