happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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