I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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