Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
