my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
