I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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