I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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