im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
