Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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