I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
