I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize