If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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