even my farts smell like vagina
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
