He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
