I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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