i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Panties = found
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
