I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
