i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
