Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
