i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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