The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
