Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My vagina is officially offended.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
