not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
