your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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