If that was your dad, he is hot
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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