If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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