Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
