So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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