I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
