omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
