yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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