In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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