you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
