this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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