I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
