I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
