it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize