I think I won the penis lottery.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
