I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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