yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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