You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
