take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
