You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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